What Now?

For years and years, I was made to go to church. I was made to be an altar boy. Forced, I was. I dont remember what happened during Mass. I was bored, I was sure of that. I didnt know what was worse: working the Saturday night, 5pm service, which meant I would miss the WWF that came on Channel 9 or working the Sunday morning, 9am mass, which meant I wouldnt be able to sleep in. For a bunch of different reasons, Ive recently been attending church regularly. My diocoese and church, the rector, are all pretty conservative. For a few weeks, I was simmering in the pews and to my friends about how the rector's sermons are pretty much textual analysis of the service's readings and, more troubling for me, recaps of emails from the the Vatican and Pope Benedict. I wont go into all that I find questionable and wrong with the church so that I can segue into my real point but Ill say this. It's the men who spread God's word that's got it wrong. Not God.

That said...

Holy Week services have been a real education for me. On Thursday night, I attended Holy Thursday service which commemorate the Last Supper and Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. I had forgotten that this ritual took place. There wasnt the usual ending to the service. Most Sundays, most services, it ends with the suggestion?the proclamation? to "Go and Serve the Lord. Mass had ended. Let Us Go in Peace." Because Holy Week is the last week of Jesus' life and because Holy Thursday is the night before he's killed, there's obviously an air of mourning and solemnity to the proceedings. There was no call to "Go and Serve the Lord." No declaration that "Mass has ended." And that we should "Go in Peace." In fact, I didnt recall the priest telling the congregation to "Go." It was the strangest thing. The priests and the altar boys (and girls) filed out, I think by the sacristy and not down the aisle as usual, and people just sat there, I just sat there, wondering "Um, is this it?" It took a few minutes, after the altar boys and girls reappeared to put away the sacristy objects, to douse the candles, that most of us got the idea that, ya, this was it and to "Go." (To "Go...get your groceries at Thrifty's", to "Go...catch a movie at the Odeon across the street" or to "Go...to dinner with your friends" as was my case.)


Same thing happened on the Good Friday service which commemorates the Station of the Cross. Good Friday is the holiest day on the Catholic calendar what with it being the day Christ was paraded through the marketplace, the day he was crucified and the day he died. At the end of the service, the priest took the chalice containing the Body of Christ, aka the communion wafers, and wrapped it under his cloak. Preceeded by candles and the cross and a trail of incense, he walked down the aisle, very slowly to return the chalice to the altar. Then, they all walked backed, disappeared, to the sacristy. Again, no "Go and Serve the Lord." No, "Mass has ended." No, "Go in Peace." More to the point: no, "Go." People just kinda sat there, unsure about what to do, whether it was okay to leave.

Some people, Im sure, will argue that this is a perfect example of the mind-numbing effects of religion. Sheep dont know where to go if theyre not told. Dont know bout that and Im not really interested in arguing about religion. I mean, it's about faith. The sun rises, it sets, flowers bloom and God exists for those who choose to believe. That said, I was struck by the symbolism of the uncertainty, to "Go," amongst the congregants, during the services commemorating his death. Jesus cut quite a path for his followers and his death left a void.

How exactly do you proceed after such a loss?

This question is religious, yes, as it is ethical, moral and philosophical. Is it right to go on? Is there a duty to go on? Why go on?